Struggles of the Stay at Home Feminist

It’s been a stressful few days (weeks, really). Ever since Lilly turned one, I know there have been eyes upon me wondering when, if ever, I’ll put that awfully expensive law degree back to work. I’ve been feeling the pressure and, perhaps, have been compounding it with my own confusion — and, I’ll say it, guilt.

Guilt has always been a staple in my life. I often hear about the guilt that working mothers feel when they return to work, leaving their child in daycare or with another care-giver. I understand this guilt. It was one of my main motivations for NOT returning to work when my maternity leave ran out. I am not, however, saying this guilt is justified. A mother has to do what is best for her family. And if that means bringing in an extra income or simply keeping mom sane by returning to the workforce, then the rational mind knows that there’s no reason to feel guilty. But, as moms, rationality does not always rule. We are hard-wired to crave our babies, to want to protect them at all cost, to want to swoop them up in our arms and kiss those sweet-smelling heads every time we sense discomfort. So, unlike men, women have to fight natural instincts that have evolved over millions of years to make the decision to return to work.

I couldn’t do it. And I don’t regret that. I KNOW I am extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to stay home with my baby. And I know that for MY family (not everyone’s), this is what is best for us. So, why the guilt? Well, first, because I was raised Catholic. It comes with the territory. But that’s another story. Mainly, it’s because I am a woman. I am a feminist. I am proud of my degree and my professional achievements, and I think it is extremely important that Lilly grows up KNOWING that she is just as capable as any man of doing anything she wants to do in life. But am I setting a good example? Am I sending the message that she actually can’t do what she wants, if she also wants to be a mother?

I have asked myself these questions many, many times since I decided to stay home. And I always give myself the same answer. I WANT to be home. I AM doing what I want to do with my life. And that’s feminism at it’s best: having the OPTION of pursuing a successful, well-compensated, well-respected career, but CHOOSING to stay home with my baby. And the rational me knows this is true. But then there’s the other hard-wiring in me — not millions of years of evolution, but decades of assurances from everyone from my grandmother to Smurfette that women can do it all. You can have a career AND a family, not either/or. That a good feminist is a good mother AND a good lawyer (or doctor or teacher or mechanic . . .). So am I a good feminist if I’m JUST a good mom?

Up until now I’ve been able to stop the internal debate there. After all, I’m not JUST a mom. I have an agreement with my law firm to take project work and receive hourly pay. I’m a “staff attorney.” Just check the firm website. Sure, I haven’t practiced law or been paid for any other work in over a year, but I COULD….and here’s where we have a problem.

Yesterday I had my “check-in” call with the Director of Attorney Advancement and “it just doesn’t seem to make sense to continue what is amounting to an indefinite unpaid leave.” (Was that a firing? I can’t decide.) Anyway, she’s right. I know it’s true. But that was my safety net! My emergency exit! My ever-so-distant connection to my “ongoing” legal career!

So, it’s official now. I’m a stay at home mom. Just a stay at home mom. And that’s ok. That’s good. It’s liberating. Because I AM still a feminist. And Lilly CAN still do what she wants, and be a mom. Just like I can still be a lawyer – later, down the road. And that doesn’t make me any less of a woman, a mother or a lawyer. And it may actually make me MORE capable than a man to do what I want in life. Because I am pretty certain that there is not a single member of the old legal boys’ club who can entertain a fidgety toddler while changing an exploded diaper and taking notes for my discussion group on the streaming audio oral arguments in Citizens United v. FEC. And THAT’s going on my resume.

The Struggles of the Stay at Home Feminist by MushBrain, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Terms and conditions beyond the scope of this license may be available at mushbrain.net.