Judgment-Free Zone

Whether you’re a parent or not, it’s probably safe to assume that at some time you found yourself watching parents in action and judging them.

Maybe you were in Target and saw a kid throwing a total fit because he wanted a box of Goldfish crackers that his mom was refusing and thought, “Geez, lady, just give him the crackers. What’s the big deal?” Or maybe she did give him the crackers to prevent making even more of a scene and you thought, “Nice. You’re just teaching him that the best way to get what he wants is to throw a tantrum!”

It happens all the time. I’m guilty of it too even though I really do try to live and let live – a resolution that gets even stronger each time I catch a judgmental eye from someone somewhere and I just want to turn around and say, “F*#% you. When was the last time you spent a day with a 3 year old? Then shut up.”

I said I want to say that. I wouldn’t actually say that.

In front of Lilly.

That would just spur more judgment.

See, you’re doing it right now, right?!

Anyway, my point is it’s all very black and white from the outside. Not so much from the inside. When you are the parent – especially a stay at home parent – your whole day is a matter of choosing your battles. Some are worth the scene at Target, some are not. Sometimes it’s because it’s a lesson that really needs to be learned. Sometimes it’s because your day has been difficult enough and a box of Goldfish crackers is a battle you’re willing to lose to get through the next 10 minutes. As an outsider, you don’t know which it is. And you don’t care.

And guess what? Chances are the mom (or dad) really doesn’t care what you think. So approach (or glare) with caution.

I think this is a hard lesson for new parents — getting to that point of not caring. But you have to get there. Because at the end of the day . . . or the shopping outing as the case may be . . . you are the one that deals with the consequences, whether they are immediate or long-term. It’s your problem or victory. So if you are going to let a total stranger — or an overly assertive non-stranger — tell you that your parenting instincts are wrong when they really don’t have a clue, then you better at least get a phone number so that you can make an I-told-you-so phone call, when they  are wrong. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure you’ll implode by your child’s first birthday.

Or maybe that’s just me.

I bring this up because the other judgment you have to learn to live with as a parent is self-judgment. We all think about how we will do things “when I’m a parent.” We judge what our parents did right and wrong — with a completely unbiased view, of course. We observe tantrums in stores, crying babies on airplanes, bullies on the playground and we decide then and there: That will not be me.

But sooner or later, in one form or another, if you have a kid, that is you.

I work hard on my parenting style. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. But I try very hard to determine the best ways to handle common situations and then execute a plan that was made before my emotions got involved. And to be consistent. That’s not always possible, but it’s what I try to do.

Generally, I think I do a good job. And the end result, I think, is a child who is mostly happy with a good sense of what “the rules” are. But there are days, particularly when 8 months of pregnancy is taking its toll, when keeping emotions out of my reactions is nearly impossible. Days when Lilly’s demands for the exact opposite of whatever I am saying make me want to rip my hair out. Days when nap time can not come soon enough and if it doesn’t go smoothly it is all I can do to not cry and start begging her to please just sleep so that Mommy can get a break already!

Early on in my SAHM career, it was those days when self-judgment became almost unbearable. Oh my god, I raised my voice at her! She was just acting her age! It’s not her fault I got up on the wrong side of the bed! I’m a terrible mother!

Having worked my way through the initial emotional response, I would do the only thing “the experts” said I could do: apologize to Lilly and let her know that Mommy makes mistakes too.

Now, 3 years into this career path, I still have those days. And I certainly make my apologies when necessary. But more and more there are days when I just let myself off the hook. I don’t mean I make excuses for unfairly overreacting. I mean that I’m just better at choosing my battles.

So when last week I saw the naptime battle approaching and I knew I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth for it, priorities started changing real fast when each step met with opposition.

Get Lilly upstairs for nap: preferably

Get her in a pull-up: definitely

Get her on the potty first: nope, that’s what the pull-up is for

Deny her whatever toy she wants in bed: nope, not unless it could kill her

Get her to sleep in her room, rather than mine: not this time

Get her to sleep in the bed when she insists the laundry is her nest: Hm, I did not anticipate this one.

I had to wing it. But the end result was a 2 hour nap with no more fussing.

I just wish I could say that was the clean laundry.

The Judgment-Free Zone by MushBrain, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Terms and conditions beyond the scope of this license may be available at mushbrain.net.