Got Milk? Guess Not.

Today is probably the last day I will be breastfeeding Lilly. It’s hard to think that I’ll never have that unique bonding time with her again, but it’s been a long time coming. I lasted a year and several weeks, so I am proud of that. My goal was one year. I knew it was the beginning of the end when I was nursing her one early morning a couple weeks ago and she stopped after about a minute, looked me directly in the eye and signed “banana.” What can I say, my little girl is growing up and she absolutely loves bananas. (More about that another day.) I almost threw in the towel then, but the next day when I tried to skip it she walked over to her boppy pillow, pointed at it and looked at me expectantly. Message received. We continued another couple weeks. But this morning, after what I suspect has been several days of low supply, she nursed as usual, but then looked me in the eye, and this time signed, “more drink.” Ok, ok. I just can’t cut it anymore. My body decided we are done, and Lilly broke the news as clearly and nicely as a 13-month old can. So, I’m calling it.

I’m not sure whether it’s a subconscious mourning thing or just the fact that all day I’ve been thinking “this is the last day of breastfeeding,” but I’ve had Sinead O’Connor’s “The Last Day of Our Acquaintance” stuck in my head all day. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to that song, but if I remember correctly, it’s a song about divorce so it’s not exactly analogous. It’s certainly not like Lilly and I will be parting ways tomorrow (god willing), but there is a sense of loss – at least on my part – that goes along with ending breastfeeding. It is similar to divorce in that we are transitioning from a relationship that involved a certain level of daily intimacy to a more ordinary – albeit still very loving – relationship. And while I hope Lilly and I will never get to a point of not needing each other at all, it does feel like this is the first of many occasions when she will have to look me in the eye and say, “Mom, we’re done here. I can do this on my own.” So even while I will cherish those extra minutes of sleep on the days when Elliott gets the early shift, and I’m proud to see my little girl growing into a healthy, happy toddler, I’ll miss those early mornings and those early months when she really needed me.

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